Perfectionism in Disguise

How Letting Go Made Me a Better Leader

If you think perfectionism only shows up in color-coded planners and flawless Instagram grids—let me tell you a story.

I didn’t grow up chasing perfection. I grew up dodging it.

My mother is a perfectionist in the truest sense. I once watched her tear apart an almost-finished quilt because she missed a single stitch. Eight-ninths of the way through—and she started over.

That kind of precision? That kind of discipline? That wasn’t me.

If anything, I went the other way.

I said yes fast—faster than my gut could argue, faster than fear could catch up. I leapt before I looked—right into the deep end. Once, I met a man online and moved in with him that day. (Yes, it ended exactly how you think it did.) I spent my life savings on an MLM. Twice. I’ve made life-altering decisions without a plan, a spreadsheet, or even a full night’s sleep.

It wasn’t strategy. It was rebellion. A way to outrun the voice that said I wasn’t ready, wasn’t worthy, wasn’t enough.

And the result? I was breathless. Unsure. Always about two steps past capacity.

The Sneaky Shape of Perfectionism

Here’s what I didn’t realize back then: Just because I wasn’t chasing perfection didn’t mean I wasn’t performing.

I still wanted to be impressive. Useful. Low-maintenance (thank you When Harry Met Sally for that gem of a neurosis). I still wanted to be the one who held it all together.

I wasn’t striving for flawless—I was striving for enough. For proof that I was allowed to take up space.

Because that’s the lie perfectionism tells us:
That we have to earn our right to be here.
That if it’s messy, it doesn’t count.
That if it’s not excellent, we’re not worthy.

And here’s the catch: Saying yes before you’ve caught your breath isn’t courage—it’s survival. It’s performance in disguise. It’s how we try to stay ahead of criticism by never pausing long enough to be questioned.

But when you move that fast for that long, you lose touch with your own voice—and your own limits.

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like gold stars. Sometimes it looks like overcommitting. Sometimes it looks like saying yes too fast so no one can call you slow. Sometimes it looks like doing everything yourself so you never have to ask for help.

But no matter how it shows up—it disconnects you from your truth.

Why This Matters for Leadership

You don’t have to be a CEO to be a leader. But if you’re holding space for others—at work, at home, in your community—perfectionism will mess with your leadership more than you realize.

It will tell you to perform instead of lead. To manage instead of trust. To prove instead of be.

And here’s what I’ve seen—in myself, and in the women I coach: When perfectionism is in the driver’s seat, burnout is riding shotgun.

We say yes to everything. We hoard responsibilities. We confuse control with competence and slowly lose touch with our own wisdom.

Sustainable leadership—the kind that doesn’t wreck your nervous system—requires a radical shift: from impressive to honest. From flawless execution to aligned action.

Because leadership isn’t about being perfect.
It’s about being clear. Present. Grounded. Whole.
(And yes, messy sometimes too.)

What I Did Instead

This reflection is pulled from my upcoming book, Lead With Heart—part memoir, part manifesto, and 100% about what happens when you stop performing and start leading from the inside out. It’s currently out for developmental edits and in the hands of literary agents (!!), and I could not be more excited to get it into yours.

Letting go of perfectionism didn’t mean lowering the bar. It meant refusing to build my worth on someone else’s approval.

It meant learning to pause before the automatic yes. To ask: What do I actually want? To trust that messiness doesn’t cancel out meaning.

It meant giving myself permission to show up as a whole damn human—and teaching others they can too.

Perfectionism doesn’t always look like control.
Sometimes it looks like chaos in disguise.
But either way, it’s rooted in fear—and you deserve better than that.

Whether you're leading a team or leading your own damn life, the power move isn’t perfection.
It’s presence.

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