The Platinum Rule
The Golden Rule Is Cute. The Platinum Rule Is Leadership.
I was teaching a lesson on the First Amendment — you know, that cornerstone of American democracy we should all be able to recite in our sleep.
I asked my class if anyone knew the actual words. A hand shot up. A student proudly offered:
“Do unto others as you would have done unto you?”
…So no. Not quite.
But adorable.
Kids (and honestly, plenty of adults) know the Golden Rule better than they know their constitutional rights. We drill “treat people the way you want to be treated” into them in preschool. We repeat it all the way through middle school, high school, and college. We use it to stop biting, stop yelling, stop being tiny tyrants to each other.
And because educators are human, I’ve even heard teachers break the Golden Rule while trying to reinforce it:
“Would you talk to your friends that way?!”
“Why are you using that tone with me?!”
“What if I spoke to YOU that way?!”
(Spoiler: this is never our best moment.)
But as much as I respect the Golden Rule — and honor it as step one of emotional literacy — it’s not the whole story. It’s training wheels.
Because here’s the lesson we learn as adults:
“Do unto others as they would have done unto them.”
My friend Jene Harmon calls this the Platinum Rule, and he’s right. It’s an upgrade. A level-up. A whole paradigm shift. (Full disclosure: even though Jene was the first person I heard say it, it’s also a book and a bit on How I Met Your Mother.)
And it’s shorthand for an entire philosophy:
Know your people.
Know their strengths.
Know their limits.
Support their weaknesses.
Don’t ask introverts to be extroverts or vice versa.
Love people in the language they recognize.
Don’t assume your way is the universal way.
Lead with empathy.
This is the difference between etiquette and leadership.
Between “I treat people kindly because that’s nice” and “I treat people the way they actually need.”
The Platinum Rule demands curiosity.
It demands humility.
t demands that we stop asking, “What would I want in this situation?” and start asking: “What do they need to feel safe, supported, and empowered?”
This is where self-awareness comes in.
One of my favorite leadership thinkers, John Amaechi, says:
“If you want to wield your power well, you have to know who you are.”
Amen.
You cannot practice the Platinum Rule without knowing your own wiring — your preferences, your tells, your triggers, your blind spots, your strengths, your needs. Self-awareness isn’t optional. It’s foundational.
And fortunately, we live in a world full of tools that help us understand our patterns a little better.
Here are some I recommend to anyone who wants to lead with heart:
Learn your Love Language. Yes, even in leadership. No, it’s not weird.
Understanding your primary language (and the languages of the people around you) is one of the quickest shortcuts to connection.Assess your values. Your values don’t lie. They tell you what matters, what motivates you, what drains you, and what you will or won’t tolerate.
Every time I’ve done a values assessment, I’ve walked away jaw-dropped at what’s true beneath the surface.Understand your cognitive and interpersonal style. MBTI, the Big Five, the Enneagram, StrengthsFinder — I don’t care which camp you’re in. Just pick one that helps you make meaning out of your own patterns.
Awareness isn’t the finish line. It’s the doorway.
Once you know yourself, you can actually lead in ways that aren’t accidental, reactive, or default-mode.
And once you know your people, you can love them — teach them, guide them, partner with them — the way they need, not the way you would’ve wanted at their age or in their circumstances.
That’s the real work.
That’s the Platinum Rule.
That’s leadership.
Where in your life are you applying the Golden Rule, but the situation actually calls for the Platinum Rule? And what do you know about yourself that will help you lead differently this week?
P.S. The First Amendment is only 45 words. We should know this as well as we know any metal rule. 😉 “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.” Just for the record.
