Be Clear to Be Kind

Clarity Builds Trust Faster Than Niceness Ever Will

One of my dearest friends is an Episcopal priest. Not long ago, in a conversation that still echoes for me, she offered a distinction that landed harder than I expected:

Kindness and niceness are not the same thing.

At the time, I nodded along. Then I started recognizing how many of my leadership missteps—and honestly, a fair number of my life missteps—came from confusing the two.

Niceness avoids discomfort. Kindness is willing to tell the truth with care.

Niceness smooths things over. Kindness names what’s actually happening.

Niceness reassures. Kindness takes responsibility for what matters.

Once I saw that difference clearly, it changed how I lead, how I teach, how I evaluate, and how I show up in difficult conversations. Credit where it’s due: thank you, Rev. Anne Gardner.

Niceness Feels Good. Clarity Builds Trust in Leadership.

Most of us learned early that being kind meant being pleasant. Agreeable. Easy to work with. The person who doesn’t make things awkward.

So we soften expectations. We leave feedback vague. We avoid naming tension. We say “yes” when we really mean “not like this.”

And we tell ourselves we’re being kind.

But ambiguity rarely feels kind to the person on the receiving end. In leadership and team settings, it feels confusing and destabilizing. It turns work into a guessing game.

When people don’t know what’s expected of them, they don’t feel safe—even if everyone is being nice.

Clarity does something different. Clear expectations and honest feedback create trust quickly.

Clarity tells people they don’t have to read your mind. It tells them they won’t be penalized for standards that were never stated. It tells them the expectations are real—and that you believe they can meet them.

That’s kindness with structure.

Why Leaders Default to Niceness Instead of Clarity

Clarity works. That’s not the issue. The issue is that clarity asks us to say what we mean and stand behind it, even when that risks disappointment or awkwardness.

Niceness protects the leader. Clarity protects the relationship.

And in leadership—whether you’re guiding a team, a classroom, a volunteer group, or a community—relationships are the work.

Clarity doesn’t mean coldness. It doesn’t mean harshness. It doesn’t mean cruelty.

In practice, clear and kind leadership sounds like explaining what success actually looks like. It sounds like naming what isn’t working and offering support instead of silence. It sounds like admitting when expectations weren’t clear and resetting them. It sounds like holding boundaries because they matter, even when it’s uncomfortable.

What it leaves out is just as important. No shame. No passive aggression. No forced cheerfulness meant to soften the blow.

Clarity communicates respect. It says the truth matters, and so does the person hearing it.

Niceness Preserves the Moment. Kindness Builds Long-Term Trust.

Niceness is effective at keeping things calm in the short term. Kindness, paired with clarity, is what builds trust over time.

When expectations are clear, feedback is timely, and boundaries are named, people don’t have to guess where they stand. They can focus on the work instead of the politics around it. They can take risks without fear of hidden consequences. Trust has room to grow.

And trust does more for engagement, growth, and accountability than any incentive system ever will.

Kindness isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about being willing to walk people through it with honesty and care.

Clarity and kindness aren’t opposites. They’re partners.

This is one of the core ideas behind Lead With Heart: clarity is not unkind, and kindness doesn’t require vagueness. If you want more writing like this—grounded, practical, and honest—you’re welcome to join me here.