Be Clear to Be Kind
Clarity builds trust faster than niceness ever will
One of my dearest friends is an Episcopal priest. Not long ago, in a conversation that has stayed with me daily, she taught me something deceptively simple:
Kindness and niceness are not the same thing.
I remember nodding along politely — and then slowly realizing how many of my leadership missteps had been rooted in confusing the two. Hell, many of my life missteps have been rooted in that confusion!
Niceness avoids discomfort. Kindness tells the truth with care.
Niceness smooths things over. Kindness names what’s actually happening.
Niceness says, “It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” Kindness says, “This matters — and I want you to succeed.”
That distinction has shaped how I lead, teach, evaluate, and show up in hard conversations ever since. (And yes, credit where credit is due: thank you, Rev. Anne Gardner.)
Niceness Feels Good. Clarity Builds Trust.
Most of us were taught — implicitly or explicitly — that being kind means being pleasant. Agreeable. Easy to work with. Not making waves.
So we soften expectations. We leave feedback vague. We avoid naming tension. We say “yes” when we mean “maybe” or “not like this.”
And we tell ourselves we’re doing it out of kindness.
But here’s the quiet truth: ambiguity doesn’t feel kind to the person on the receiving end. It feels confusing. It feels destabilizing. It feels like guessing.
When people don’t know what’s expected of them, they don’t feel safe — even if everyone is being “nice.”
Clarity, on the other hand, creates trust quickly.
It says:
“You don’t have to read my mind.”
“You’re not going to get in trouble for something I never said.”
“This is the standard, and I believe you can meet it.”
That’s kindness with a backbone.
Why Leaders Default to Niceness
If clarity builds trust so effectively, why do so many leaders avoid it? Because clarity requires courage.
It asks us to…
name expectations out loud.
risk disappointing someone.
tolerate momentary discomfort.
be seen as direct instead of likable.
Niceness protects us. Clarity protects the relationship.
And in leadership — whether you’re guiding a team, a classroom, a volunteer group, or a community — relationships are the work.
What “Be Clear to Be Kind” Looks Like in Practice
Being clear doesn’t mean being cold. It doesn’t mean being harsh. And it certainly doesn’t mean being cruel.
It sounds like:
“Here’s what success looks like here.”
“This part isn’t working yet — let’s talk about what support would help.”
“I should have been clearer earlier. Let me reset expectations.”
“This boundary matters, even though it’s uncomfortable to name.”
Notice what’s missing: shame, passive aggression, performative cheerfulness.
Clarity says, I respect you enough to tell you the truth.
Niceness Avoids Rupture. Kindness Repairs It.
Niceness is great at keeping the peace — temporarily. Kindness is better at building something that lasts.
When expectations are clear, feedback is timely, and boundaries are named, people don’t have to guess where they stand. They can relax into the work. They can take risks. They can trust.
And trust, once built, does more for motivation, engagement, and growth than any incentive system ever could.
As you move into this new year, here’s the question I keep returning to: Where are you being nice when clarity would actually be kinder?
And — just as important — where might clearer expectations, clearer feedback, or clearer boundaries help the people around you feel more supported, not less?
Because kindness isn’t about avoiding discomfort. It’s about walking people through it with honesty and care.
Be clear. Be kind. They’re not opposites — they’re partners.
